There is a secret probe that is ongoing in the dark underbelly of DC. Our sources are saying that Attorney General Merrick B. Garland and his team of con artists are now investigating the financial dealings of several Christian denominations across the country. There is no word yet on whether the groups have been in collusion amongst themselves, with Russia, or others. However, we are told that:
Pentecostals are buying all the guns and ammo
Baptists are buying up all the bacon and ribs.
Charismatics are purchasing property, boats, and airplanes
Presbyterians and Episcopalians are claiming all the wine and gin.