Breaking news: Washington, DC — Adam Schiff, Liz Cheney, and Jamie Raskin have issued a joint statement regarding their new surprise witness that will appear on Friday afternoon. The festivities will be streamed live by all network stations and possibly C-SPAN.
What we know: Our sources say that the surprise witness is of impeccable character and would never lie or make stuff up, according to Adam Schiff. Ms. Kniceley, excuse me, our witness is an acquaintance of former OMB Director Mick Mulvaney, in that Ms. Kniceley met Mulvaney while they were both in line at the Rainbow Pharmacy. The lady was reading a tabloid and struck up a conversation with Mulvaney about the witness today who claimed that former President Trump tried to wrestle the Beast (steering wheel) away from the Secret Service driver.
According to other witnesses who heard the conversation, Mulvaney immediately called Adam Schiff, using the codename ‘Ramrod’ and explaining that he had just met the witness who would finally drive the last nail in the coffin of this case. We’re not sure at this time what this new witness can share with the committee, but Liz Cheney was overheard saying to be sure and tell this lady not to come in and hug her. Cheney also said that this lady had better be good because her ass was already in the proverbial sling.
Mulvaney was in hiding and unavailable for comment. He was last seen driving a red pickup truck with a MAGA sticker on the rear bumper and a couple of rifles mounted behind the seat in the gun rack!