Vancouver, WA — The Fourth Church of the Western Way is introducing a couple of new and entertaining forms of baptism. We spoke to Bishop Izzy Dunkin, the lead pastor, who explained how this new system will work.
“Well”, he said, “the traditionalists will like the immersion system. It will be extremely innovative, as we’ll use ordinary dunking tanks and have the qualified candidates sit up in the booths as some of our parishioners will throw at the bell in order to dump baptismal candidates into the water. We’ll have several tanks lined up together in order to quicken the services.”
Bishop Dunkin continued, “Now for the more conservative candidates for baptism, we’ll have like a drive-thru area, where they will be rolled into the bay, riding in a wagon. When at least 5 candidates are lined up, then we’ll bring the sprinklers from above and do a communal service for those. Sort of like a car wash.”
Bishop Dunkin also told us that they will have to implement a dress code, because traditional clothing would be somewhat revealing. If that happened, then they would have to set up a new confession and forgiveness stall. And that’s just not in their budget at this time.