Greenville, SC — As of June 1, 2017, The New Millennial Church of the 21st Century, has decided to change their policy in how they accept members and the qualifications. There will now also be a more rigorous application to assure there will be 100% participation and compliance. Administrative Pastor Iona Banks says that she is tired of the Senior Pastor having to preach too many sermons about tithing, so she called the board of Trustees together and decided they would make changes that would pretty much automate the effort for the church members. While stressing the importance of giving, which is a proven scriptural notion, but still a very practiced deed that churches expect everyone to adhere to, regardless of how life may be going for any individual. Plus the fact, one of the deacons wants a new motorcycle. And there are rumors the Senior Pastor has hinted at a townhouse in Gatlinburg..
In a new press release, we have learned that the new plans for a membership application will now be required and processed, using the guidelines below:
A valid ID with recent photo
A verifiable checking account
A background check
Automatic back draft payment setup weekly or monthly
A W2 or 1090 Tax Form
A list of all properties owned or financed
A list of all assets
Current credit score
Annual salary and amount of debt owed
A valid voter registration and SS #
Number of firearms owned
* For visitors, you will be allowed a Visitor’s Pass 4 times per year, and must have a member in good standing to vouch for you, in order for you to be able to participate in and benefit from any blessings enjoyed by regular members, however, before you can engage in the fullest of blessings, you will need to make a cash donation, in the amount that will be decided upon by your sponsor and the Financial Director of the church. Also, if a member has children that attend the services, from the ages of 2 yrs-17 yrs, then parents must show all records from their family doctors and proof of all shots, medications, illnesses, etc in order to better serve you. If anyone in your family has a history of being a Drama Queen, male or female, you will be subject to a probationary period of at least 6 months. Spiritual conditions and demons we can deal with. Out and out rebellion and being a diva will not be tolerated, so help us God.