Nashville, TN — Biblical scholars from around the globe gathered in Nashville, TN. this past week, to discuss the 144,000 people who would definitely go to heaven. There is unanimous agreement, that since the November 8, 2016, presidential election, many in that original 144,000 will now not make the cut. According to communications director, Sylvia Lamb, “There now must be an official consensus among those gathered here, in order to make sure, each tribe will be thinned of those who are actually tares, and not wheat.”
Ms. Lamb also indicated, that along with all these scholars, they were also joined by some of the most notorious mega-church pastors, who insisted that their names not be published. (Well, except for but one pastor.)
The criteria seemed to change about two weeks before the presidential election and began to escalate as the final votes were being announced. Ms. Lamb also stated that “several news broadcasters, journalists, and a couple of celebrities insisted that they be allowed to sit in and help decide on this very important issue.” “When the scholars and pastors were presented with the request from the above people, their final vote and the reply was a bone-chilling Hell No”.
No one could give a specific timeline for when the final results would be available. However, one scholar and pastor, Dr. J.G. Tokes said “You can take it to the bank, the individuals from Hollywood, who thought they would make it to heaven, should now go ahead and move to wherever they claimed they would move, prior to the election.” “I can assure you, heaven will not be their home.”